The Appointment That Changed Everything...

We got a call from Lil D's doctor office asking us to come in for a short appointment for the results of Lil D's research study.

We were anxious for the results, all the explanations Dallas gave me from how Lil D did at the eval seemed positive. He seemed to think he had done really well. Our appointment was made in the middle of the day. The office isn't too far from my work so I met the boys there. We were pulled into an exam room and given the news.

They gave him a grade on a scale of 1-10.  1 being no signs of Autism, and 10 being extreme Autism. Anyone given a 5-10 is on the spectrum.  Dallas was given a 5.  So according to this study he does have Autism, albeit a mild version.

And that was it.. a diagnosis, something that stayed in the back of our minds the last two years as we noticed his speech milestones not being on target. Two years of going to our ped and asking what was going on and seeing a neurologist, speech therapist and a new pediatrician and not one person even  willing to put that "label" anywhere near him or direct us to a developmental pediatrician if we had concerns we didn't even know those existed. Two years of time where he could have been getting more help in his still very young mind our insurance denied paying for speech therapy unless it was related to the possibility of Autism and our pediatrician said she couldn't do that she didn't see that  being his issue at all. Granted he is in the gray area but what I'm learning more and more about the spectrum the whole dang thing is gray. Each child has their own set of difficulties.

The doctor was kind and sympathetic but I couldn't help but feel like here's your $60 check, sorry your kid has an issue, have a great day. Have a great day! I know that I'm making it all insane in my head but in that moment that's how I felt. You can never prepare yourself to hear those words.

I was strong and held it together is what I wish I could say but there were tears... a few at the office,  even more once I left the office to go back to work and later that day and the next. It's hard to explain how I felt but here's my attempt. I felt like I was in a fog, my body felt heavy and nothing and everything mattered all at once. And I wanted to squeeze my baby as tight as possible and kiss his sweet face.

Here are our truths:
1. Lil D is still our amazing, sweet little boy that lights up our world.
2. At least we have some answers and can go from here.
3. We're very blessed by the things he does so well, the kid practically potty trained himself.
4. We won't let him use his "label" to get away with anything. We feel that if he wants it, with enough work and perseverance he can achieve it.
5. I'm very overwhelmed with what our next moves are.

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